I love you and I hate you, I cannot decide which.
I love you when you allow me to put things off that are ‘difficult’ for me.
Things such as eating better, exercising more, being more thoughtful with my money, being more dedicated to whatever it is I’m working on/planning/dreaming of for the future.
I mean it’s so harmless. I’m not saying it will never happen. I’m not saying I don’t want it to happen.
I’m just saying I will start becoming the the person I want to be tomorrow.
Well sometimes, it’s not quite tomorrow. Sometimes it’s Monday, or the 1st of the next month, or the 1st of the coming up year. Or sometimes it’s some other arbitrary date or occasion. On my birthday. On our anniversary. After our vacation. When I lose the weight. When we have better jobs. When summer is over.
Suddenly, it isn’t so harmless anymore.
When I’m scarfing down like 1500+ calories for dinner because I am (re)starting my diet tomorrow.
When I’m ignoring the perfectly crafted budget that I had created, spending money that I ‘don’t have.’
When I realize that a particular goal I have isn’t any closer to fruition than it was, say, three years ago.
It isn’t that you mean me any harm tomorrow. I know that.
You just make big promises, and I believe you. I believe you every time.
But as soon as you arrive, you just leave me again. Alone.
Without any food in my refrigerator, when my stomach is growling.
Ten pounds heavier than I was before our agreement.
You leave me discouraged, ashamed and desiring more.
So I make another pact with you, tomorrow things will be better. We promise each other. We mean it this time.
And then you come and go, again.
It’s a vicious cycle, a toxic relationship, insanity really.
Tomorrow, you just aren’t stable enough for me. You are not dependable.
You and I cannot build my empire together. It is just not possible.
I’m sorry it had to end this way, and please don’t come around anymore.
I will always struggle with the love in my heart that I have for you. But you are just no good for me.
I need to get reaquainted with today. We will both be happier, I promise.
And maybe one day, in the future, you and I can be friends again as we actually get excited about what is to come tomorrow rather than wasting today in the belief that we will always have tomorrow to do better.