Re-Committing to our Health Journey

Re-Committing to your health journey (something I think we need to do every now and then, as so much changes in our lives, and our goals, etc.).

It’s easy to notice (well eventually anyway) when you are just completely sideways, off track, off the wagon, out of the club, however you want to think about it.

But what about when you have just been flirting a bit too much with the ‘other side?’ Maybe you have maintained a great deal of weight loss for a great deal of time, but can’t seem to push yourself any further. Maybe you eat extremely healthy much of the time, but still eat pizza, chips or other junk foods too often.

We, as a society, have finally come to terms with the fact that healthy eating (and moving your body) is not a diet. It is not a temporary way to live. It is a long term, lifestyle, habitual way to live.

So when there is no ‘diet’ to get back on. How do we re-commit? How do we live by a certain set of standards, without restricting ourselves so much as to make this something we cannot continue to commit to? I think the answer is pretty simple, like much of the answers we often seek, but that doesn’t mean it is easy. Simple and easy are definitely NOT synonyms.

Simple is eating whole clean foods at basically every meal, with a focus on vegetables and fruits. And it sounds easy too, but it’s not. Or is it? Now, I’m confused because it sounds so easy. But apparently it’s not.

We can hold on to things for as long or as short as we want. We can re-commit to living by our own values anytime we want. But because habits absolutely DO take work to unform or reform or get rid of, this isn’t exactly as easy as saying ‘I will not do XXX any longer.’ Well, the problem is our mind and body ARE going to want to do XXX because they are used to it now. When that desire comes up, you can either do the behavior … or deny that desire. One or the other has to happen, and our basic instinct will be to do the behavior (if that is what we are used to).

So what I commit to for the next three weeks, is to actively deny the desires that are against what the life I really want to have looks like. To allow the desires to come up (because they certainly will), realize what they are (which are little pulls to do things that I have, unfortunately, become used to), and to just deny the desire. And this doesn’t have to be an angry, negative, denial. It can be loving instead, ‘I understand I want to do this certain thing, and it’s ok that I want to, but it doesn’t mean that I have to, and in fact I’m not going to.’

Cheers to re-committing after I haven’t even blogged here in 8 months!! Yikes!!

Remember, we all have different constraints. Do the best you can with what you have and what you know, and if you do that you can only continue to grow.

What real weight loss looks like.

 Real Weight Loss: What it looks like!

I’m both slightly embarrassed, and strangely proud and empowered to post this today. All of our journeys  with weight, food, health and activity are very different. Some of us (of all sizes) have really had to struggle. Others (of all sizes) may have never even thought twice about what they eat or what they weigh. I am definitely in the part of the population that HAS struggled. Whether genetics, environment (what I ate and did while growing up), or my specific life situations are to ‘blame’……. I have struggled big time!

At 12, in 6th grade when they weigh us all in the gym (part of the Presidents Fitness Test or something?), I was already 137 pounds and embarrassed that some of my peers may have heard this number! But by the time I started high school, with an eating disorder in full swing, I was only 108 pounds. I still thought I was fat. My mom would walk in on me in the middle of the night (2 AM) and I’d be working out. She had to take my door off the hinges when she cleaned my room for me one day only to find diet coke cans filled with puik that I hadn’t emptied into the toilet yet (GROSS, I know!).

By the time I graduated from the Junior College years later I was an uncomfortable 210 pounds or so. When the four rings that I wore daily, including my high school class ring and the first ring a boy ever gave me, were too tight on my fingers, I felt ashamed. Fingers can get fat too? My goodness! I joined weightwatchers and lost 45 pounds.

Around the ages of 20-21, I started drinking alcohol and eating more. It wouldn’t be uncommon for me to eat 3 fast food meals per day, a fourth if I was wasted and needed Jack in the Box at 2 AM even though I already ate dinner. It really should have been no surprise when, only a few years later, I was at my highest weight ever: 260 pounds! I found out that a boy I had ‘dated’ had told my friends that ‘at least he got to date me while I was still cute.’ And then I was at the movies with a few friends when we got popcorn thrown at us by some boys (jr. high aged or younger), as they made ‘quiet’ remarks about how fat we all were. It brings tears to my eyes even now that people can be so cruel. My struggle has been difficult, even without the remarks and silent thoughts of others.

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with a ‘non cancerous’ but aggressive tumor. For a week, I thought (based on what doctors had told me) that I had a high grade cancer, and I cried myself to sleep every night. I also vowed to myself that I would start taking better care of me. I slowly (VERY slowly, over a couple years) changed from a diet which consisted of ONLY processed foods and drinks (fast food, microwavable foods, diet coke, no water, no fruits/veggies), to a diet with no soda whatsoever, lots of fruits and veggies, and processed foods only 10% of the time or so. I lost 70 pounds! I thought I was on top of it. This was it! I felt amazing!

Well, throw in a major surgery (where even a year later, I wouldn’t say I’m completely recovered, and the tumor they took out is back and painful again as well), a new boyfriend (a live-in boyfriend, the first serious one in at least 5 years), and I am actually proud to say I only gained 27 pounds over the last year and a half or so. I can post this today because I have re-lost 10 of these pounds and am finally in the swing of things again. But the problem is we don’t think about the struggle when we are doing well, losing weight, feeling good. But we need to, because at whatever size we are at, for some of us the struggle will remain forever and always.

To any girl or woman out there struggling, I am here with you in spirit. I am here when you cry during clothing shopping trips because it just isn’t fun anymore (or maybe it never was). I am here when you silently carry around the shame and embarrassment that other people PUT on you for not fitting their ideal expectation of beauty. I am here for you when you are struggling with decisions regarding what you are feeding your body, even when you make the wrong choices. But I am also here when you decide (with no commitments, deadlines, or expectations) that you value your health enough to make some changes. To realize when you’ve gone off track and get yourself back on. And, I’m here when you have climbed the mountain in front of you (maybe literally!). And you have done this for no one else, only for you! For your health, well being, and future.

                        

Today, more than ever, remember that we all have different constraints. Do the best you can with what you have and what you know, and if you do that you will continue to grow. 

Wandering (but far from lost).

Eat Clean. Train Mean. Get Serene. Live your Dream.

What I’m thinking about right now in terms of my daily goals, as I am in my ‘wander’ state of mind at the moment. I started calling this state of mind my ‘wander’ state because I think it best describes what I feel like. That I’m wandering around. Some may have negative feelings that come to mind with the word wander. But, for me, it is when I am free. When I am curious. When I am not hurriedly trying to get to my destination (though I may indeed have a destination). I can feel this way whether at work or play (though sure, of course I prefer play), whether it’s night or day. Anyway, I’m just here (wherever I am), going there (wherever there is right now), without a care.

Ok lame rhymes aside, it took me a lot of ‘self’work’ to not only realize I had this ‘wander’ state, but to appreciate it, and come to the understanding that THIS right here is the whole point. To live life in such a way that everything is connected. I may go from work to the gym to the kitchen at home to cook, to the bed to sleep. But It’s me the whole time wandering from one place to the next to the next, and it’s all good! And it can all be done from a happy, comfortable, curious place. It is, perhaps, the ‘grind,’ but it doesn’t have to feel that way. Now, when I get to be in my wander state when I am actually out wandering, say on vacation in Hawaii or Vegas or even just in Sunny San Diego Boogie Boarding or walking the beaches … well of  course that is really the best feeling (though being on vacation certainly doesn’t guarantee I will actually be in my wander state, as it truly is a state of mind and not a location in and of itself).

Happy Wandering! May you all find your wander state and own it as well today!

Alright Universe

Woooh. I have been MIA for some time now. On track, off track, I almost feel like I don’t know the difference anymore.

What I do know is that right now, right this moment, is exactly when it all counts the most. When you have the option to sit back and let the roller coaster of life take you wherever it may (which, might I add, is always right back to where you had started in the first place)…. or you  have the option to stand up and be the person that, in your heart and soul, you know you are. You don’t let life happen to you. You don’t settle for whatever comes next. You don’t let lifes circumstances define you. You move forward towards your dreams. You smile big, becuase you know that life is pretty Fucking amazing when you allow it to be. And you know that all things happen for a reason.

So Universe, I know you have been giving me everything I’ve been asking for lately. And sometimes, it seems like I am not ready to handle it. But I am, and I’m ready for what’s next. And I’m also thankful that you move the world for me, when I am not strong enough to move it myself.

Yoga to make her smile.

Yoga to make her smile (sung to the tune of banz to make her dance).

I was a bit grumpy all day, don’t know why. No patience for anything. Everyone and everything was just a tad bit irritating. Not to mention I was damn near exhausted (well I guess you would be after being so grumpy all day).

I had planned to go to yoga after work. Well I got in the car and thought, yoga or home for a nice long nap. Nap, I decided. I started driving towards the freeway anyway. Half way to the next city over, I thought about yoga or pulling off at the closest exit and going home for a nice long nap. Nap, I decided. But I just kept driving straight forward. Finally, I parked at the gym and turned my car off. I stopped for a moment and thought, one last time, about yoga or turning the car back on and driving back home for a nice long nap. Nap, I decided. But I got my ass out of the car and walked into yoga class.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh (as in ‘how relaxing,’ not ‘shit there’s a spider!). I left class with a smile on my face, I believe the first smile that day ; ). Well a smile and an open mind and heart.

I’m learning to live like this all the time (with the smile). And yes, right now, there are moments when I am and moments when Im not. There are moments where I feel so on top of my world and everything is going my way, and there are moments where I’m awkwardly uncomfortable and really unsure of things.

Anyway, what I know for certainty is that it’s all worth it, the moment I let go and smile (however long or short it takes me to do so). Even if takes me ignoring myself at times in order to do what I truly wanted to in the first place.

Focus … and Results

 

Soooo…. you may be wondering what this picture (clearly made online or something, but looking like a toddler created it) is all about?

Well, I wanted to try a little experiment. I’ve been all about positive thinking, the ‘law of attraction,’ and just in general the belief that you can have whatever it is you desire. Believe it… in order to achieve it.

Also, for those non-believers. If nothing else, COME ON, if all your focus is on one thing then eventually that thing will come your way. You can’t fail as long as you are still trying, still aligning yourself within the right places/situations where you are likely (or even just possibly) to get what you’re seeking. And if you are believer, well then you know that you simply put your message out into the universe, and the universe will align for you!

I made this little picture on my I-Phone and posted it as my wallpaper, so I saw it (and thought about it) all the time. I also allowed myself to believe that I had these things coming any moment now.

The day after I posted this, I got a Christmas giftcard to Target from my boss. Went to target that night to get toothpaste and figured I’d check out the boots they had, just for kicks. Now the thing with the boots are that, I was low on funds lately and hadn’t really had the money to buy them…. AND my calves are a little bigger than I’d like (I’m working on that you know!) and even when I had seen boots I liked within the previous few weeks, they did not fit! Well, right there, at target with my giftcard I found the pair of boots I am now wearing almost daily! They fit perfectly, almost exactly the style I wanted, and with my giftcard only costed me $10.

A week later, I decided to pull out my laptop and give it one more try. It hadn’t turned on in weeks, though I also hadn’t tried again as I had truly given up on it. I had tried taking the battery out… plugging it in for a while… giving it a few days of rest… no luck. Well, as I said, I decided to give it one more go before I sent it off to a friend to pull off the documents off of it. It turned on and has been working ever since!!!!

And, finally, over this weekend my soon to be roommates and I finalized our application for a new house! When I originally made this wishlist… I really didn’t know when I would be moving or where or if. Anyway, we move Febuary 1st.

I don’t know about you, but 5 weeks for this little wishlist. Amazing : ).

Time to plan for what’s next. Let’s aim bigger this time : ).

Chaotic Stability

For about as long as I can remember, my mantra in life has been ‘expect divine chaos.’ Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised that this is exactly what I have gotten. Chaos. One of my new favorite inspirational authors/leaders is Gabrielle B and hers is ‘expect miracles’. I want to let go of my mantra and adapt hers but something isn’t allowing me to. Something just sounds so cosmic and beautiful to me about divine chaos. About the chaos in our lives and its role in the bigger picture? But a part of me is now asking, do we actually need the chaos? Can we just have the divine? Can we just expect miracles?

This brings me to my blog title, chaotic stability. I am not as enchanted with this word combination. But it is just on my mind today. It’s hard to see sometimes when we are so wrapped up in something (positively or negatively), but chaotically living is not the answer. The answer is balance, between throwing all caution to the wind and meticulously living for the future. The answer is allowing yourself to have one day (or maybe more, depending) of ‘poor me, this cold is awful, how will I ever live’ but not riding out the whole cold that way. The answer is allowing yourself that junk food treat you’ve been craving, but not tossing out all your ideals about what a healthy diet entails while doing so. The answer is living in a way so as to enjoy yourself right now, right here, at this moment, but in a way that is also supportive to your overall visions of the future.

Anyway… just some thoughts.

Ready for you Love

Ready for you love

I’m ready to meet you again, love. To put my heart out there for you to hold on to.

It’s been a long time. A lot has changed. I’ll wait for YOU because no one else will do.

You are handsome (in my eyes, which is all that matters babe). You are tall and confident, which makes me feel safe. You can fix my flat tires, and put together my ikea furniture.

You are intense in your relationships, but rather care free in your day to day living. I can tell you want the same thing as I do. And so love we shall have.

You value moving forward, dreaming, progress, and health. You like being outdoors, and in water, and camping.

You have a full life right now babe, even without me. But, like me, you are ready to share our lives. For a chapter or maybe even an entire book. We’ll have to talk to the author about that.

Anyway, I’m finally ready for you babe. I’ll see you soon.

Serenity — and Desert!

My Blogs title is Clean (eating) and Serene. Serenity has been in/out the past several months. But I have finally realized that whatever Serenity is, in the big picture it is a choice. Each week, day, and moment. It is a choice.

Choosing to release anger and frustration the moment it hits you (and it will hit you, but it doesn’t have to knock you down). Choosing to understand what in your life that you do have control over (even big things, where you live, where you work, what you do on a daily basis), and what you do not (other people, the weather).

Even health (of course, always to an extent), is our choice. I can choose to drink shots, to eat Jack in the box, to never move a muscle. But I now know these truly are my choices. And when I slow my roll, and allow myself to make decisions (instead of letting that voice inside my head talk me into or out of it, or otherwise making me feel guilty), I can see what I truly want. And it is health, I think it always has been.

Anyway, these days, I am trying to be compassionate to myself. Allowing myself to make choices. Not beating myself up over them. Not being afraid of making them. Just making choices.

Also, I have been playing around with baked fruits!! So yummy and healthy. Reminds me of the ‘Champagne diet’? I’ve tried apples and pears so far, peaches with blueberries are next! These pears were sliced and topped with cinnamon, then baked, then topped with a Tuscan cinnamon cheese. The apple was peeled, covered in cinnamon, and simply microwaved (2 min 30 sec)!

 

DIET – that four letter word

DIET

That four letter word.

I used to consider a diet a temporary state of being, a restriction of all the foods that I love, specifically with the goal of losing weight. Which, let’s face it, was more about looking better in a bathing suit than the actual number on the scale or my health.

One of the many flaws with my previous thinking was this: if it is a temporary state of being (one that I cannot wait to get out of), then how would the weight loss ever be permanent? So if permanent weight loss needs permanent changes in diet, how would this be feasible while restricting ALL the foods I love? And if the goal is specifically to lose weight, is this really enough of a motivating factor? What about when times get tough, meaning weight loss gets slow? What will pull me through at these points?

I have been up and down with my weight for as many years as I’ve been alive. Up when I was young and eating 4-6 mini microwavable burritos or whole boxes of cheez-its at a time. Down in Junior High when I had an eating disorder and was puiking in diet coke cans in my room so my mom wouldn’t find out. Up when I hit high school and stopped all of the dance/cheerleading programs I had been doing, and picked up sitting around like a sloth and sleeping all day instead. Down when I joined weightwatchers after a tough break up and really kicked the weight to the curb with the point tracking diet and a gym membership (48 pounds down). Then back up when I turned 21, moved in with three other young ladies, and partied like a rockstar (which included lots of alcohol and 2^nd dinners at 2 AM, as if my calorie counts hadn’t already been enough those days).

I am heading back down, 55 down so far (eh about 40 more to go), but things are much different this time. It is all about life long changes, like learning to cook, trying new foods so that I learn to love new foods (not just learn to restrict), and playing around with different ‘lifestyle diets’ to see what works best for me. My goal, specifically, is stellar health. Nothing more, nothing less. I threw the scale away months ago.

‘Lifestyle diets’ are what I am considering to be the opposite of Fad diets. They get at the core of what is truly healthiest for you. Though, there are different ideas or theories about what is healthiest. What I know, for sure, is that focusing on calories alone is not the answer. It may lead to temporary weight loss but that is not the same as health.

I am still trying to sort out what makes me feel the most alive, what gives me the most energy in life, and what is truly sustainable for the rest of my life. It’s been trial and error so far, but I am getting closer to the answer. And as with anything in science, even when I have found the answer there will be new developments to come. I am so excited to be interested in my own nutrition and health for the first time in my life. Not just the number on the scale.